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Love
The Problem with Sauerkraut is that
as I reach into the jar to follow a recipe
that calls for several scoops,
each one finds its way into my mouth first,
and soon there
is nothing left for dinner.
And that is the problem with sauerkraut
and politics.
CLR 2026
Dammit, Cheryl.
This morning, for no reason, Neil Diamond’s “Play Me” was running through my head.
So I played it.
Then I played it again.
And again.
I’ve loved this song since I was about twelve years old. I’m 63 now, which means I’ve been listening to it for roughly 51 years. I’m also an English teacher, a fact that makes what I’m about to admit considerably more embarrassing.
For 51 years, I completely misunderstood the beginning of this song.
In the little movie that has been playing unquestioned in my head since approximately 1975, someone has discovered her dead body beside his bed, and he just rolls over and says: Come take me.
Off to jail he goes.
What’s remarkable is that I never questioned this. I continued listening to what is obviously a beautiful, deeply romantic love song without ever wondering why Neil Diamond had chosen to begin it with a homicide.
This morning, after listening to the song over and over, I finally heard it.
Oh.
It’s “one morning I found her lying beside my bed,” and then he softly says, “come take me.”
Take me.
Not take me into custody.
Take me with you. Take me into your life. Lead me somewhere new.
Suddenly the rest of the song opened up too. The woman has changed the direction of his life. He has chosen another road, one he describes as “thorned and narrow.” And the refrain I have always loved— “come play me”, this idea of one person being the song and the other asking to be played—becomes an act of surrender.
It’s beautiful. It’s also a bit corny. Maybe that’s why I was fine with the murder.
And it only took an English teacher 51 years to figure it out.
I think there’s something wonderful about discovering that a piece of art you have known for most of your life can still surprise you. We hear words through whatever story we first attach to them, and sometimes that story becomes so familiar that we stop hearing the actual words at all.
Then, one morning, we listen again.
I’m writing Neil Diamond a letter.
I feel he deserves to know that for most of my life I have loved his beautiful song while simultaneously believing that it begins with a corpse and a confession.
I’m happy to finally have it straight.
And I think I love the song even more now that I have realized nobody died.
Literally, anyway.
What about you? Is there anything in your life that you have misunderstood until recently?
CLR 2026
These are some very early rocks of mine. Neil Diamond and some women. I wondered, which one did he murder and how did he get away with it? Not really. But these are from 2019 ish. That’s true!
THE HISTORY OF LOVE
Cheryl Lynn Ray
2026
For Andrew and Kevin
These poems were written between 1990 and 2013. Together they tell the story of how my understanding of love changed over time. The unchanging and overwhelming love I have for my sons is a different story.
Contents
Creating (1990)
The History of Love (1993)
The Dancers (2001)
A Thought (2001)
I Live (2001)
A Happy Place (2001)
Those Words (2004)
Pink Slip (2008)
Where Does It Go? (2009)
Finally (2013)
---------(1990)
Creating
(why it never stops)
Settling in, Settling on,
Settling over and around.
Settling up, settling for,
But never settling down.
1990 C. M.
The History of Love
Once upon a time,
before I came to believe
love was a calculated risk,
I would have lost my life
for passion.
My heart, once broken,
now sits silently
inside a cavity of steel,
untouchable.
Calculations replaced
dreams of someone
like George Bailey
who would lasso the moon
just for me.
C. Morgan 1993
The Dancers
(For grandmother and grandaddy)
The music has softened now,
its melody gray
as a January day.
Together they move
through steps learned
over a lifetime,
their dance shaped
by lean years
and faithful hearts.
Death is taking numbers.
Soon,
it will call theirs.
The temptation is to fear,
to grieve,
to beg the music
to play forever.
Yet their final dance
has the same quiet beauty
as a waddling pregnant woman—
both carrying
what cannot be hurried,
one toward birth,
the other toward home.
Lucky them.
No squalling hunger.
No hard years
spent eking out a living.
Only the grace
of a life
completely danced.
CM 2001
This is a mouse pad I had printed with a rock I painted with a likeness of Jesus, next to part of a poem I wrote once upon a time.
A Thought
I think that God
is simply love,
alive in you and me.
Turn away,
and emptiness
is all that's left to see.
I serve love.
It is my work.
I choose it
every day.
Its presence
guides my every step
along a very
human way.
CM 2001
I Live
In between men
I live
in the silence
between
Good riddance!
and
Hello there!
I can breathe and think and live,
in between men.
CM 2001
A Happy Place
(for a friend mad at love)
I have worked
for these sunrises—
glorious,
joy-filled—
outside my grubby city window.
I have stumbled
like a drunkard
through the streets,
screaming at the gods,
until I realized
I was screaming
at myself.
I have bled from my pores
for this peace of mind.
Then I found
my happy place.
That,
I cannot give you.
You will hurt
in places
you never knew existed.
You may blame
the world
until at last
you are left
with the only one
who can change it.
Then,
you will make
your happy place.
And when you find it,
I just might
be there too.
CM 2001
Those Words
Those words are leaping around
inside my mouth,
dancing a jig upon my tongue,
straining
to squeeze past my teeth,
but waiting
behind
my bashful lips.
CLR 2004
Pink Slip
(for Raymond)
I have loved you
for ten thousand years,
with your blessing,
and at your feet.
Though all wisdom and reason said no,
I lay chained,
a loyal servant,
at your feet.
Lessons learned,
I stood
and walked away,
yet hotly tossed them aside
at your familiar touch,
your voice,
your smile,
and at your feet.
One true feeling
bound me fully,
blighted by the devil's laughter—
a haunting blues melody
inside my heart.
I have loved you
more than any
who dared to enter
all four chambers
of my heart.
Rugged Love,
take your pink slip.
Our work
in this lifetime
is done.
You will always remain
inside my heart,
haunting
as a warning,
so that
in the next life,
I will see you coming
and turn away,
never again
to lay
at your feet.
CLR 2008
Where Does It Go?
(For the family)
Hers for her sister.
His for his son.
Where does this love go
when it comes undone?
He for his mother.
She for her man.
Can anger consume
what love first began?
Where does it go?
it’s gone with the sun.
When love disappears,
does it live on?
Have we mistaken
what love can do?
Or does love remain
when all else is through?
CLR • 2009
Finally
I know you. You have been
a seed, unfolding inside me.
You have been a whisper
in my ear, for decades.
I recognize your voice
from forever,
and revel
in the cadence
which in itself
tells me that you
are me.
CLR 2013
---------
I am you
And you are me
And we are
Us
And
Them.
C.M. 1990
---------
Dignity. Gratitude. Public Loan Forgiveness Program thanked me for my service today July 10, 2023. They didn’t mention the 45 extra payments I made, but I don’t care. I am grateful.
PS. 6 months later I recieved a letter saying the opposite of this. My loan is still unpaid even though I have fulfilled the requirements of Obama’s deal.
4/11/2024
Dear President Biden
The Federal Loan Department has not counted my payments correctly.
In July, 2023, I received the letter of congratulations and a refund from Mohela. In fact, not only had I fulfilled the 120 months, but I had overpaid. They issued a refund for the overpayment.
Recently, I received a letter from the Federal Loan Department saying that they were very sorry but I have not yet fulfilled the requirements.
Please consider actively helping me with this issue.
Here is the issue:
Overall, I have been actively teaching as a Washington Certified ELA instructor for 26 years and I am 60 years old and single. I have fulfilled the requirements of the 2008 Obama Deal which was 120 payments while in public service.
I worked for 20 years in brick and mortar, then was unable to continue, due to health concerns. Fortunately, I had made a deal with Obama in 2008 and by 2018 I had fully paid this off, but my loan had changed hands and somehow they lost track of me. I would like to repeat this: I paid this off.
Since 2018, I have taught full-time for 6 years online, for a company called Imagine Learning. Online, I am paid 1/2 as much and I work with the same public school kids, and more. In this job, I am required to keep my teaching certification updated, and in fact I have completed the requirements to be a certified teacher in CA as well, which has meant 6 or 7 tests, including an ELL component. I am serving more students than ever. In fact I usually have about 260 students at one time, with no summer break. I'm fine with all that because it allows me to work with students from home.
To repeat, I am 60 years old now and have retired from the TRS2 system. This helps me survive but I am not able to walk back into the brick and mortar setting, much less work there.
Please help me with this. Thank you so much.
Cheryl Ray
304 W. 5th Ave # 104
Ellensburg, WA 98926
Please also consider this letter I wrote, addressing the issue of not considering online teaching as public service.
Online Teachers are public servants, too!
I am writing to advocate for the inclusion of full-time online teachers in the approved public servant category for the Federal Loan Forgiveness Program.
As the COVID-19 pandemic brought about significant disruptions to traditional education, online teachers emerged as frontline educators, dedicating their time and expertise to ensure students continue to receive quality education despite the challenging circumstances.
The pandemic has compelled educational institutions across the nation to shift their teaching methods to online platforms to ensure the safety of students and educators alike. As a result, online teachers have become an integral part of the educational system, shouldering the responsibility of imparting knowledge, providing support, and maintaining a positive learning environment for students. Their commitment and dedication deserve recognition and consideration for the Federal Loan Forgiveness Program.
Here are several compelling reasons to support the inclusion of full-time online teachers in the approved public servant category:
1. Equivalent Service: Online teachers demonstrate the same level of commitment, professionalism, and impact on students' lives as their counterparts in traditional brick-and-mortar classrooms. Their work is instrumental in shaping the educational landscape and ensuring continuity of learning during these unprecedented times.
2. Meeting Critical Needs: The inclusion of full-time online teachers in the approved public servant category would help address the critical need for qualified educators in an evolving educational landscape. By acknowledging their contributions, we can attract and retain talented individuals who possess the skills necessary to excel in online teaching.
3. Educational Equality: Online teaching has opened doors to education for students who face barriers to attending physical schools, including those with disabilities, health issues, geographical limitations, or other personal circumstances. Recognizing full-time online teachers as eligible for loan forgiveness would support efforts to provide equal educational opportunities to all students, regardless of their location or circumstances.
4. Financial Hardships: Full-time online teachers often face financial burdens associated with pursuing higher education and professional development opportunities to improve their teaching skills. The inclusion of online teachers in the Federal Loan Forgiveness Program would alleviate some of these financial burdens, ensuring that talented educators are not deterred from pursuing careers in online education.
5. Public Service Alignment: Online teachers contribute to the public good by fostering knowledge, critical thinking, and personal growth among students. Their dedication to educating the next generation aligns with the goals and values of the Federal Loan Forgiveness Program, which seeks to incentivize careers in public service.
I acknowledge that online teachers are not responsible for curriculum development and face fewer behavior management challenges than their counterparts in brick and mortar schools. However, it is important to recognize that this does not diminish the significance of their role. Online teachers play a vital part in adapting educational materials for virtual platforms, creating engaging digital content, facilitating online discussions, and providing personalized support to students in a virtual environment. Their expertise in leveraging technology and delivering effective online instruction is invaluable, and their contributions deserve to be acknowledged within the Federal Loan Forgiveness Program.
Moreover, considering the financial implications of student loan debt, it is worth noting that many private companies involved in online education have been thriving during the pandemic and generating substantial profits. These companies have the potential to support loan repayment initiatives for their online teachers, given the financial resources they have at their disposal. By partnering with private entities and urging their involvement in alleviating the burden of student loan debt, we can create a mutually beneficial arrangement that benefits both online teachers and the companies that have benefited from the surge in demand for online education.
Considering these reasons, I kindly request your careful consideration of including full-time online teachers in the approved public servant category for the Federal Loan Forgiveness Program. By extending loan forgiveness eligibility to these educators, we not only recognize their invaluable contributions but also promote the advancement of online education as a crucial pillar of our educational system.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you require any additional information or if there is any way I can further support this cause.
Yours sincerely,
Cheryl L. Ray
Meet DAMMIT CHERYL, the rock that perfectly captures my exasperation. It reflects the moment I discovered that despite completing 165 out of the required 120 on time loan payments for Obama's Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program (which I initiated back in 2008), my years of teaching online are not considered public service so I am ineligible for the much-needed relief.
I’ll have to find another rock to show how I feel after I ask them to reconsider.
This past week I was head of the pack. Hunter, Tank and I spent a full week at Kevin and Sarah’s since they both needed to be out of town and their baby Birdy needed her grandma. As always, the sleeping arrangement was a challenge with the extra Dachshund. Hunter and Tank have been accustomed to cuddling up to me for oh…the past 15 years so we hardly think about our bedtime protocol anymore. They are old and set in their ways. They are spoiled. So am I. Birdy, on the other hand, is being encouraged to sleep in the kennel next to her parents and I agreed to work on that with her.
Of course I mustn’t be too stern, this is my only grandpup. So our first night together, I snuggle into bed about 9 pm with three dogs and an unspoken agreement that Birdy can stay as long as she was content in one place so we can all sleep soundly. We all fall immediately into a deep pack animal sleep.
Maybe an hour passes before I feel Birdy climbing over me so I swiftly dispatch her to the kennel.
At first, silence, but before long there's a pathetic little whimper from inside the steel bars. But I won't be weak and sternly say "No! Go to sleep Birdy."
The whimper continues, and finally I put the blanket over the kennel and achieve silence from within. Fast forward a few hours into a satisfying sleep, I feel a canine form, it's especially silky coated, sweet smelling...hmm it's a long and lithe daschund scooting up from my feet to my armpit . It snuggles right up under my chin as if to say "I love you" like no other than......Birdy! She settles right back to sleep there.
I'm deep into sleep so I just think "Well she escaped the kennel. She can stay if she remains cozy like this.” And she did.
Morning comes. 3:30am anyway. My tuned in 'mom ears' hear the sound of Hunter needing his early morning wee.
I respond like a pro, throwing off my CPAP gear and reaching for the geriatric daschund I love so much...but where is he? Birdy's in my armpit, Tank next to her...the rest of the bed feels empty. I had visions of Hunter having fallen off the bed, lying helplessly on the floor making his obsessive morning licking sounds...but wait. The slurpslurpgruntslurp sounds he makes are coming from....the kennel! Poor Hunter !
I put the wrong dog in the kennel and he hasn’t looked at me the same ever since.
Hunter’s look of utter betrayal haunted me for the rest of the day.
Every once in a while, In my mind, I roll over and touch a good memory of you just to make sure it’s still there. I gently probe around our tragedy, just to make sure of its honesty. And satisfied, I roll back over to now and feel grateful for the experiments in this life, which is all any of us can claim to be.
